15. The Pinball Machine
Anxiety is biting once again and I am overwhelmed. The bitch takes out chunks. I’m striving to be more than I am. Not perfect.. but ideal. I struggle to be the ideal mother, the ideal partner, the ideal friend, the ideal employee, the ideal version of myself. I’m failing in all of these areas. Am I really failing? Or is anxiety once again telling it’s lies?
So much is happening at the moment. Most of it private stuff that I won’t share with you guys right now. I can’t. My guard is up. I’m geared for fight or flight. I’m looking for escape but the brain fog clouds my judgement and I can’t think where I need to be or what I have to do. I’m struggling. Really struggling. But it’s all inside. My face still wears a smile. My hands and heart still offer help to everyone else.
But inside I’m drowning.
Inside my brain is tingling, not metaphorically but physically. I feel it.
Inside I have a million thoughts and ideas bumping around my short-circuited mind. Like a pinball machine. Little metal balls hitting lights and targets but never stopping to take hold. They bounce around, setting off alarms, bells and whistles. I desperately keep pressing buttons, moving the flippers but I’m only delaying the inevitable drop. The balls fall past my paddles and land heavily in the bottom of the machine.
So much is happening right now. Thank goodness for my blog and for you, my readers. You allow me to put my thoughts onto the page. You allow me to vent, to rant, to blurt it all out. I feel less alone with my demons. And sometimes, some of you let me support you too. I want to do more though. I really do.
Tell me.. am I helping you?