B.A.D. halo life

A support page for peeps living with Bipolar Disorder, Brain fog, Anxiety & Depression by a Melbourne gal who has been battling these demons for 40 years. The more we talk about our "invisible" struggles, the more the stigmas will lift. They have to…………….. don't they? PLEASE SHARE MY BLOG, ADD YOUR COMMENTS & TELL US YOUR STORY..

15. The Pinball Machine

tilt

Anxiety is biting once again and I am overwhelmed. The bitch takes out chunks. I’m striving to be more than I am. Not perfect.. but ideal. I struggle to be the ideal mother, the ideal partner, the ideal friend, the ideal employee, the ideal version of myself. I’m failing in all of these areas. Am I really failing? Or is anxiety once again telling it’s lies?

So much is happening at the moment. Most of it private stuff that I won’t share with you guys right now. I can’t. My guard is up. I’m geared for fight or flight. I’m looking for escape but the brain fog clouds my judgement and I can’t think where I need to be or what I have to do. I’m struggling. Really struggling. But it’s all inside. My face still wears a smile. My hands and heart still offer help to everyone else.
But inside I’m drowning.
Inside my brain is tingling, not metaphorically but physically. I feel it.
Inside I have a million thoughts and ideas bumping around my short-circuited mind. Like a pinball machine. Little metal balls hitting lights and targets but never stopping to take hold. They bounce around, setting off alarms, bells and whistles. I desperately keep pressing buttons, moving the flippers but I’m only delaying the inevitable drop. The balls fall past my paddles and land heavily in the bottom of the machine.
So much is happening right now. Thank goodness for my blog and for you, my readers. You allow me to put my thoughts onto the page. You allow me to vent, to rant, to blurt it all out. I feel less alone with my demons. And sometimes, some of you let me support you too. I want to do more though. I really do.
Tell me.. am I helping you?
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2 comments on “15. The Pinball Machine

  1. roelex
    September 21, 2015

    it’s helping to see i’m not alone in my thoughts and battles i fight…it’s inspiring also to see how you handle things and reach out..

    Like

    • badhalolife
      September 22, 2015

      Thank you Roelex .. I’m trying my best to help. Even if it’s only by sharing my story. I want people to see that they aren’t alone in feeling alone. Thanks for reading my blog. I hope you continue to enjoy it! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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This entry was posted on September 7, 2015 by .

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